Refusal: Just Because He Stopped Asking Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

That’s a long title, but an important issue within marriage… VERY important! (For those of you who are not married, sorry… but this article and the one that follows are aimed for those who are married. You’ll have to find another web site to address your issues.)

“The story goes something like this: One spouse has a higher drive (HD), and the other spouse has a lesser drive (LD). Spouse HD asks, pursues, begs, pleads, prays, asks, wonders… and finally stops. Spouse LD, meanwhile, feels frustrated, cajoled, annoyed, resentful… and finally relieved.”

But there’s more to this whole scenario than this, as the title implies.
I was going to ask permission to post the article that follows because I wasn’t sure if it would work just to link up to it. But there are many comments after the article, which are compelling to read, and we don’t want you to miss out on those either.
So, we’re providing a link to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous web site so you can read what they have written on this topic. It doesn’t just pertain to husbands who are refused, but to wives, as well. If you need to flip a few pronouns around here and there, please do so, but they do a pretty good job of addressing both. Intimacy needs are important to address, whether they come from the husband or the wife.
BUT PLEASE, if you post anything on their comment line, we’re asking that you post it here, as well. We’d love for this topic to be discussed on both of our web sites so we can all benefit. Thanks! So, here goes:

• Just Because He Stopped Asking, Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

The question was asked in the above article, “Can we work on our sex life?”
That’s a question that a lot of spouses have asked and will ask. The author of the next article, Chris, was asked that question quite a bit. But she says that she was the “refuser” in her marriage. Here’s part of her testimony:

“After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.”

In another article posted on her web site, The Forgiven Wife, she writes:

“My husband had his access to emotional and physical intimacy controlled by me for two decades. He has seen me change. I’ve atoned for my sin, in both thought and deed. My husband has forgiven me, and so has my God. Most of the time, I can even say I’ve forgiven myself. I thank God that my husband did not think I was beyond redemption, and I mean that in the fullness of the definition, not just theologically.”

The following is a link to part of her testimony. You can read more on her web site, as well. (Again, we’re hoping that if you post a comment on her web site, you’ll post it here too, so this topic can be openly discussed by husbands and wives who deal with the “refusal” issue.)

• Crawling Out of the Pit