Avoid the Typical Pitfalls of Marriage
AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE
No couple embarks on married life expecting to end up in divorce
court, but that’s what happens to more than one million American couples
each year. And when they do the postmortem, they often find their
marriage was sabotaged by one of these 10 traps:
1. Taking your partner for granted. That’s
like having a garden that you’re not weeding or fertilizing, says
Robert Billingham, professor of human development and family studies at
Indiana University. “You can’t expect it to continue to thrive.” Let
your partner know you appreciate him or her.
2. Forgetting that a good marriage takes work.
“People think that having a happy marriage is a magical, mystical
occurrence,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Leslie Parrott,
co-author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins).
“We’ve accepted the fact that parenting takes a lot of skill, but we
don’t want to accept the idea that romantic love takes a great deal of
work, too.”
3. Not talking through conflict.
If you rely on heavy sighs, slammed doors and other non-verbal
communication when something is bothering you, you could be playing with
fire. As painful as it may be to get the conversation started, you must
speak up. “Otherwise, problems start festering and begin to take on a
life of their own,” explains Sharon Naylor, author of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce (Hungry Minds).
4. Failing to romance your partner. “We all want to be made to feel special,” says psychologist Kate Wachs, author of Relationships for Dummies (Hungry Minds) and Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press).
“That’s why it’s so important to set aside at least one night per week
for you and your spouse. Use this regular ‘date night’ to share your
hopes and dreams.”
5. Fighting dirty. The
better you know somebody, the easier it is to hurt that person. “No
matter how angry you may be about something,” Naylor says, “you need to
resist the temptation to figure out the one thing that will hurt your
partner the most and then use that against him.”
6. Fighting over money.
A recent study by the Million Dollar Round Table, an international
association of life insurance and financial services professionals,
found that 43% of married couples argue about money. If money’s becoming
a major source of conflict, you might consider sitting down with a
financial planner or some other 3rd party that can help come up with a
financial game plan you both can live with.
7. Letting the passion fizzle. “Have sex often — anytime either
of you is in the mood,” Wachs says. “If you wait until both partners
are in the mood, you won’t end up having much sex at all and, over time,
you’ll end up drifting apart.”
8. Shutting down sexually when you’re angry rather than dealing with issues.
Although withholding affection may seem like the ideal way to punish
your partner, you risk seriously damaging your relationship, Wachs says.
9. Failing to understand that marriages have ups and downs. “It’s OK to expect incredible moments in your marriage,” Parrott says. “Just don’t expect them to happen every day.”
10. Throwing in the towel too easily.
“We’re so accustomed to the concept of obsolescence that we treat our
partners as disposable,” says Herb Glieberman, a Chicago divorce
attorney and author. Vow to rekindle the flames rather than looking for
the closest escape hatch.
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